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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2004|05:49 pm]
spooner_briggs
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Dj Tiesto - Magik 3 far from Earth]

More crap-fantastic!

Crevett (and it always starts with crevett.) put a link on her LJ for someone’s review of yet another crapola-laden self published work. (CLSPW.) This one is under the inspired title of “Circle’s.” The cover is graced with a child’s drawing of a flying saucer making a crop circle.

WTF? This must be some cleaver turn about someone named Circle and something that he or she has relating to crop circles or flying saucers right?

Nope, it’s yet another author who thinks she’s hot stuff even though she can’t tell a plural from a possessive.

Juliefortune (http://www.livejournal.com/users/juliefortune/15559.html) writes; "If this were the only thing wrong with this craptastic work of art, I'd let it slide. BUT NO! The title is merely a warning of the horrors contained within. Honestly, you can't appreciate the full soul-rending experience without actually picking it up and reading it, because the first thing you would notice would be that the interior pages of the book are laid out in 12-POINT COURIER TYPE, FULL JUSTIFIED.”

No argument. I took the time to explore the wonders of Insight Publishing or, what is also known as the car trunk of one Cherie J Gierak. Yes; she’s the creative genus behind Circle’s and THE TWO sequels! I swear to God that I mourn the trees that sacrificed their lives for this set of obscenities.

What’s far far worse? This person claimes she was nominated for the Philip K. Dick award in 1995. I haven’t vetted this claim yet but others say it did'nt happen. Although truthfully, I guess anyone can be nominated for that award.

I had a funny feeling about this so I looked up the book on Amazon, sure enough. A review appears giving the book four out of five stars, written in the same approximation of the English language that Cherie J Gierak uses.

The one review for the sequel "Inside Circle's" is very... enlightening.

"I finally obtained a copy of Inside Circles and all I can say is that it is fantastic. The reality and the authors writing style is breathtaking. She constantly leads you on and you must continue to read. The factual information regarding AIDs was frightening at best. As to her interpretation of the Crop Circle's I was most impressed. I can't wait to find her third book."

Odd that the first review says nearly the same thing. Note the misuse of the possessive apostrophe in the word “crop circles.” Perhaps the writer of this review was so moved by the book she unconsciously MADE THE SAME BLUNDER? She gave this howler FIVE stars too!

Cherie J Gierak also produced a “dolphin novel.” (That very popular genera of literature, (Lord help me, I’ll never mock Flipper again!))

If you’re the sensitive sort, you might wish to skip the next paragraph..

“This meant no fuel for the boat to go and meet the Dolphins the following morning and no fuel to run the generator to keep their two weeks of foods fresh. Not only that but at the same time they were told there was also no fresh water available. Someone the night before had stolen all the water from the desalination plant.”

What the hell is it with these people? Is it simply arrogance? I could never think about publishing my stuff until it’s vetted, edited, freeze-dried, tested and proofed out the yazoo. Otherwise I might as well take naked pictures of myself and publish them on alt.militant.christans along with my full name and contact information.

But wait! On her home page she treats you with her Crapfantastic world of chiropractics, hypnosis, UFOs, vacation slide shows and dead pets all accompanied by “sassy cat’s” Quicktime greeting and midi track, one that YOU CAN'T FUCKING SHUT OFF!!!

I need a drink, a really strong one!
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Manscript for sale! [Sep. 30th, 2004|05:07 pm]
spooner_briggs
You can find ANYTHING on Ebay.....
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=268&item=6929031456&rd=1%A0


"My name is Daniel Rice. I live in Dudley Massachusetts. I am a first time writer and have two more chapters to go, to complete my story. It's fiction, a coming of age story that would be most enjoyed by adults. It's a fascinating read that I had a couple of english teachers read themselves, telling me that they could not put my book down after the first chapter. It's filled with suspense, along with fear and anxiety. The story focuses on three 10 year old children, two girls and one boy. The story also focuses in on one of the father's dealing with nightmares, which are somehow linked to his childhood, past. Everything comes to an end with a absolution and a twist, making sense in a reality way. I had a english teacher tell me that this story would be a great one to watch, in a movie format. So what is this all about? Well here is the deal. I am putting my manuscript up for auction only to real popular writers and authors, which names are already known. Of course if just the ordinary joe wants to buy my script well, that's ok too. My manuscript may seem expensive to ordinary people like me, but to a real author like John Grisham>The Client, The Firm, and A Time to Kill well if he bought my manuscript for 150,000 dollars and put his own title on it and copyrighted it, putting his name on the book as the writer, how much do you think he would profit from it? Well over 150,000 dollars I assure you, seeing that most of his books go right to the theaters immediately. So that is why I am selling my manuscript mostly to well known authors and whether Oprah Winfrey reads this or Stephen King or the ever so popular J.K. Rawlings, if they bought my book for my price and put there name on it as the author, everyone will pick up the book and read it, because these authors have already earned a reputation. Now I have actual pictures of my manuscript and a legit publshing Co. that will put my book in print for 695.00 dollars. The book will then be advertise to over 25,000 different book stores through the internet only. That sounds great right? But having a new author's name on my book>Daniel Rice, how many people will actually buy it? 3 mabe 100 mabe and if I'm lucky, a 1000. However I heard John Grisham self published his first book and the movie Legally Blonde, was also a self published book. So it also may sky rocket and people may buy over a million of my books, but it's a long shot and I don't want to take the route for now. I also know this is a long shot, but I am throwing out there anyway, to any well known writer that can profit from this! For J.K. Rawlings or Stephen King to buy my manuscript and put there name on it, they can't lose and neither can I. 150,000 dollars can sure help my family get me out of this apartment we have been living in for 9 years and finally get a house for my three children. A well known author can put my book in print and make over 2 million dollars with ease! We both win this way! I have pictures and let me assure you that my manuscript is not yet copyrighted or even titled yet. Let me also assure you that this is a story that is fully typed and formatted for print and will probably add up to 450 pages, or so. I also had my family and a couple of english professors read my manuscript, all of them giving me thumbs up on the fascinating thought processing fiction, I put into this. I literally wrote over a 1000 pages and thrown it away, because I want to get this one story, right. I have now spent about one year on this manuscript and have about two more chapters to go to complete, for publication. This is a serious book, one to be reconcile with. It's emotional and heartfelt story that entertains from beginning, to end. If interested in buying my manuscript and of course if you are, you probably want to read it first, I will give you my address so you can come over and read it for yourself, or I can come to you with the manuscript, so you can read it. I will never give my writing out over an email address. That will only put me in danger of someone stealing my story and putting there name on it. I will do everything possible to come to you if it's easier, so you can read my story. I will give you my email address so you can tell me if you are interested. Then we can set up a time to meet. Warner brothers Co. and Paramount Pictures payed John Grisham 600,000 dollars for the rights to his writing of The Firm, so they could make a movie out of it. Paramount pictures if you are reading this, I believe my story is strong and willful just like all of John Grisham's films. You can have my script for 150,000 dollars, that's a bargain for your company. Serious inquires only please! Pictures are shown at the bottom and the last pic is an actual paragraph written by me, on chapter 6. So if you can excuse me, I have a story now to finish! Good day and good bidding!"

He only wants $150,000 for this, any takers?
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Writing sample- writing simple [Sep. 17th, 2004|12:57 pm]
spooner_briggs
[mood |working]
[music |Goldsmith’s Alien soundtrack]

This is the first paragraph from Night Travels of the Elven Vampire.

"The moonless, drizzly rainy night was perfect for the adventure such as Elisa had planned. It was also her favorite kind of evening. The young woman smiled as she walked down the hill and   into the famous woods of the damned in the small southern town of Clark. Not even drunks would enter there after dark to sleep off the alcohol, no one would. In the world there were many places where evil had an entrance and this was just one of them. "

This is how I would write it. … Not my best prose but, you get the point. 

The young woman walked through a forest; misty and dank. The dark made trees into sinister shapes, a witch, a dragon or a wolf. The young woman smiled. Some feared this place, few ventured into these woods after dark. Very few and that suited her just fine. Cresting a hill she saw the sleeping town of Clark. It was spread out beneath her like a many-jeweled tapestry. She paused for a moment, drinking in its beauty, drinking in the peace. Clark was like a sanctuary, a barrier against the evil of this place, a refuge. But there were times when the succor of refuge was unneeded. Times like these. 

This is a hook. You always open questions in a hook. Who is this? What the hell is she doing here. What kind of place is this - Etc. You NEVER answer questions in the first paragraph.

Notice that I have a few sentence frags. Frags are OK once and a while for style or to break up a line. READ EVERYTHING ALOUD!!!

The hook is also where you establish your Point of View (POV.) In this case my POV is what I call GETP. (God’s-eye third person.) In other words, I’m God, this is one of my creations and I want to follow him/her/it around and tell you (the reader) what is happening to him/her/it. My one finished novel is written this way but I’ve written several short subjects in what I call FPS (First Person Singular.) Or “I’m ME and this is MY STORY!” 

I end the paragraph up with only a hint of what’s going to happen. The entire paragraph is expository but I’m attempting to show some of the Main Character’s thoughts without descending into thought balloons.
I’ve come to the conclusion that exposition is a good servant to a harsh master. Most of the editing in my first novel is expository exorcism. “Showing not telling” is what professional writers say again and again. 

Actually, if I were writing something like Night Travels I would probably start somewhere else and use dialog to set up the situation I.E the initial walk in the woods. 

But that’s why I don’t write stuff like this.

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LaVern! [Sep. 11th, 2004|11:04 am]
spooner_briggs
[mood |amusedamused]

Some of you might be aware of “author” LaVern Ross’s book, Night Travels Of The Elven Vampire, a notoriously bad written piece of derivative fiction. The author keeps writing reviews to Amazon.com trying to explain her position. Her latest letter and Spooner’s comments.
I wont go into the lack of promised editing, of a certain publisher. Other authors have reviewed this book, and liked it, in spite of any editing problem.
 I find that difficult to believe. What did you tie them up in your kitchen, threaten to cut off fingers until they came to the conclusion that your book is not the worst written piece of fiction ever?

I wont say something said isn't right...(editing)

Spelling, plot, pacing, characterization, continuity, grammar, punctuation, originality and don’t forget that cover graphic.


 there is nothing wrong with the story itself. IT is FANTASY, not a BIO.

….Hu? Not Bio, BO!

 Anyone else wrote this and nothing would be said.

Well, if Hemingway wrote this, most people would think he was hitting the sauce a bit too much
.

 A lot of flack over a novelette, stalking a novelist all over the net, to belittle the work, and attempt to hurt feelings.
….not just an attempt apparently.

Getting a big laugh at this authors expense.

…So, what else is new? You wrote it, we could laugh at Hemingway but he’s dead.


 Getting family and friends of a certain fanfic group to attack constantly, pretending to be honest readers, when in fact these have not bought the book, I know how many were sold, and since all used the same book...you get the picture.

Really! I have to buy the book to be an HONEST READER? Do you think spending ½ the subscription price for Fantasy and Sci-Fi (which published a 25,000 word novella every month) would make me like this and give you an honest review? Babe; If I paid 17 smackers for this piece of crap I would probably burned it and mailed it back to you.


 I would have made a lot of money off these "reviewers" if they had bought it. Probably about $25.

 $25 dollars? A lot of money??????

 I would say there is something wrong with a group who acts in this fashion, you can not like something without going to such extent. Obesessed sounds about right. Why is this? A writer can't make everyone reader happy, and that is fine. I have written other books, coming out next year, including this one rewritten, edited.

Look; get someone to fucking ghostwrite this for you OK?

 This book is not available, and it was my choice. I don't want anyone to buy it either, wait for the new version. As an author I believe in my writing, as any author does. But personal attacks that really have nothing to do with the book, well that isn't nice at all. The comments show the reviewers don't really know the book at all. The story itself.

 Uh, psychic-pagan chick falls for an alien-vampire-elf-famous author with a multicolored dog goes through a series of unlikely adventures? That about sums it up I think.


 Anyway, here’s a letter I sent to LaVern.
Hi LaVern;

 I wanted to make a quick comment or two about your latest “review” on Amazon. You titled your missive “why.” Since this seems to be question directed at a number of people whom I am acquainted with, I think that I can give you an answer.

The group of people I know are a bunch of writers who habitually critique each other’s work. Most of us are working class people who (like you) dream about publishing something good someday. For most of us the someday may simply never happen or it’s still many years away. We are very serious about the craft of writing and tend to be pretty sharp regarding those who try to short circuit the process. Book authoring is a finicky prospect at best. We pick on each others works in hopes of improving them.

Now, your “novel” Night Travels Of The Elven Vampire came across the desk so to speak. Some of the problems with the book caught the attention of people whom are professional editors. But we’ve all seen bad self published material. You must understand that if you *publish* you will be reviewed. If you publish something bad you will get bad reviews. Writing is an art and art is about what you like. Just because you *think* a work is great does not make it so. We all think our stuff is great. That’s why we pass it around an allow each other to tear it to shreds.

 You’re correct when you say ” I would say there is something wrong with a group who acts in this fashion, you can not like something without going to such extent. Obesessed sounds about right. Why is this?”

 Well; I can certainly speak for myself when I say, if you did not insist on writing fake reviews for you book I would not have paid it much attention. In fact I probably would have asked some of them to tone it down a little.

That’s my story.

If you would like to open a dialog with members of one writer’s group I suggest you post a comment or two at http://www.livejournal.com/community/laverne_rules/ for this seems to have become a nexus for commentary on your works. If you want to talk to me directly, here I am. I made a number of comments on Amazon myself (they’ve all been taken down.) If you wish, I can tell you exactly why I‘ve made comments on your book. There nothing personal in this, there is no conspiracy. It’s simply the reaction of people who are more like yourself than you may believe. Sincerely; Spooner Briggs
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Bad case of the Thursdays [Sep. 2nd, 2004|10:42 am]
spooner_briggs
[mood |lethargiclethargic]

Hurricane Frances is scheduled to make a pass through this area day after tomorrow. What are we doing? Well the students have been instructed to leave. We are having a bunch of meetings but work is proceeding as per usual. Actually it’s better than usual. I’ve not had one “stupid” call today. A stupid call is usually like one I got yesterday…

(Caller.) Hi, I’m with the uh… PEE-EE-EL program.
(Me) OK, if you mean the PEL program, I’m with you.
(Caller.) Well I just got this computer from my friend and I need to set it up for your email.
(me) Ok, what kind of computer and what sort of Internet connection do you have?
(Caller.) It’s and IBM? And it’s running Windows
(Me) what version of Windows?
Caller (Windows…. 96!)
(Me) OK, do you mean Windows 98 or 95?
(Caller.) Oh ya, Windows 98, and I have something like a…something called a modurn on this computer.
(Me.) You mean a modem?
(Caller) Yes, I think so, I need to plug this in and get my email.
(Me.) Well, do you see a little square plug in the back of the machine.
(Caller.) Yes, do I plug my phone into that?
(Me.) No, you need to plug your phone line into that.
(Caller,) Oh… I need to plug my phone line? Not my phone?
… And so on. I finally give up and tell this person to bring the box in so that we can configure it for her. This is a pretty typical call. Now we have an IT orientation which all students are required to attend, we co over all of this stuff and print a booklet each year. Not that it does any good mind you.
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